Did he only "love" me when he looked at me and heard me sing? He says my beauty has clouded his judgment as to whether we are compatible. WHAT HAVE THE LAST FOUR YEARS BEEN? Is four years the breaking point of being head of heels for someone based on their looks? Apparently after that suddenly clear reasoning is allowed to surface. He said he didn't want to hold my hand yesterday. He didn't want to be near me. All because I am passionate and he relies on logic. All because we don't have the exact same taste in entertainment (movies, shows, music). But it's not like we are opposite in entertainment likes... we both have our own likes and mutual likes. He has introduced me to some great music that I love. The other day he was surprised when I knew a song...as if any song written before I was born is unknown to me. There have been plenty of instances when I knew an "oldie" (because of my mother's influence).

I thought open and honest communication was the most important part of a relationship. We have worked on this continuously and he has told me his appreciation for it. Doesn't that count for something?

I guess everyone is allowed doubts. I had them too. Sometimes I still do. I never thought he would doubt being with me.

Movies like Phoebe in Wonderland and books like The Sugar Queen remind me of what I'd rather be doing. I want to create a place that makes people feel what I feel when I think of what I'm thinking right now. I want to make it happen.

I don't think it will. I spend my life staring into nothing and letting my mind melt away.

I have had an idea for a couple of months. It started when a girl around age 10 asked what going into middle school would be like. She was afraid because she heard scary stories about bullies, getting lost, tons of homework and exclusive cliques. I remembered what it was like to be that age with all the fears and unanswered questions. It was easy to pinpoint & address the concerns based on my experiences. So what I would love to do is create an "advice column" type of web site. And to package the "column", I want to use art and stories to create a type of community--a feeling of belonging--for the girls. That is exactly what I needed when I was young and it would mean so much for me to be able to create the feeling of belonging for someone.

So far, I have a little back story. I am not sure where to start on the short stories to go with it, that's the problem. Possibly I could start with story based on a question, making the answer more casual in presentation. At this point, I've been sketching a few character ideas and drawing some environmental elements. I want the site to be like a little world the visitor steps into and is curious to learn more; as they search the site, they feel they are home. Creating the curiosity is the challenge here.

In my mind, this is going to be a long process. I'd like to engage myself more in the action side of the project, but for now the majority is still in my head.

I want to sit so still and stare out a large window into the ocean, while drinking a deliciously fresh cup of coffee. At the last sip, my thoughts would wonder how the waves sound at this hour. Stillness ceases as I leave my kitchen to feel the white sand over my feet. I notice my hair is too long as the wind whips it across my face, so I turn to let each strand fly behind me. Approaching the edge of the water, I can breathe bittersweet scents from the ocean. In each wave's anxiousness sits a spot for me to find and rest inside. If only I would remain content.

Last night I went to see my friend at her office, from there we walked to the firework show. People scattered all over the grassy areas, sitting in their camping chairs or sprawled out on blankets. We chose a slab of concrete.

When the show started, my friend started walking closer and closer to the fireworks. At first I thought she would be coming back, but then realized no one could turn away from the dazzle of fireworks! I ran after her and soon ended up right by the caution tape on the bridge.

See, she was taking pictures for her job and I decided to take a few with my phone camera. this blue shot is the only pretty one out of 5. Looking to my right I saw a little girl conducting the show. She flung her arms any which way the moment the firework BAM occurred. I'm sure she felt securely in control of the situation.

After it was over, we trekked back to her office to upload the best pictures. I had the urge to go swimming as it was hot and sticky even inside. It was too late for her though, since she actually has a place of employment. I drove to the only place I go swimming and found my aunt and cousin watching The Way We Were. Hadn't seen it before, so I watched the 2nd half. Afterward there was some discussion on what IS communism, socialism, marxism. Yawn.