Movies like Phoebe in Wonderland and books like The Sugar Queen remind me of what I'd rather be doing. I want to create a place that makes people feel what I feel when I think of what I'm thinking right now. I want to make it happen.

I don't think it will. I spend my life staring into nothing and letting my mind melt away.

I have had an idea for a couple of months. It started when a girl around age 10 asked what going into middle school would be like. She was afraid because she heard scary stories about bullies, getting lost, tons of homework and exclusive cliques. I remembered what it was like to be that age with all the fears and unanswered questions. It was easy to pinpoint & address the concerns based on my experiences. So what I would love to do is create an "advice column" type of web site. And to package the "column", I want to use art and stories to create a type of community--a feeling of belonging--for the girls. That is exactly what I needed when I was young and it would mean so much for me to be able to create the feeling of belonging for someone.

So far, I have a little back story. I am not sure where to start on the short stories to go with it, that's the problem. Possibly I could start with story based on a question, making the answer more casual in presentation. At this point, I've been sketching a few character ideas and drawing some environmental elements. I want the site to be like a little world the visitor steps into and is curious to learn more; as they search the site, they feel they are home. Creating the curiosity is the challenge here.

In my mind, this is going to be a long process. I'd like to engage myself more in the action side of the project, but for now the majority is still in my head.

I want to sit so still and stare out a large window into the ocean, while drinking a deliciously fresh cup of coffee. At the last sip, my thoughts would wonder how the waves sound at this hour. Stillness ceases as I leave my kitchen to feel the white sand over my feet. I notice my hair is too long as the wind whips it across my face, so I turn to let each strand fly behind me. Approaching the edge of the water, I can breathe bittersweet scents from the ocean. In each wave's anxiousness sits a spot for me to find and rest inside. If only I would remain content.

Last night I went to see my friend at her office, from there we walked to the firework show. People scattered all over the grassy areas, sitting in their camping chairs or sprawled out on blankets. We chose a slab of concrete.

When the show started, my friend started walking closer and closer to the fireworks. At first I thought she would be coming back, but then realized no one could turn away from the dazzle of fireworks! I ran after her and soon ended up right by the caution tape on the bridge.

See, she was taking pictures for her job and I decided to take a few with my phone camera. this blue shot is the only pretty one out of 5. Looking to my right I saw a little girl conducting the show. She flung her arms any which way the moment the firework BAM occurred. I'm sure she felt securely in control of the situation.

After it was over, we trekked back to her office to upload the best pictures. I had the urge to go swimming as it was hot and sticky even inside. It was too late for her though, since she actually has a place of employment. I drove to the only place I go swimming and found my aunt and cousin watching The Way We Were. Hadn't seen it before, so I watched the 2nd half. Afterward there was some discussion on what IS communism, socialism, marxism. Yawn.

Drinking jasmine green tea with honey. At first I thought I poured too much honey in. After a few sips I realized it is the jasmine flavor I was confusing with the honey. Oh how that jasmine loves me.

You know what it's like when you get excited about a job opportunity and then it falls through... the cycle repeats itself. I am on another cycle because today I got an interview for next Tuesday for a marketing position! The job is creative/design/advertising oriented.

The boss sounds like he is my style of management and the company is small--60 people. Also, they sound like good people. Why? They hired someone temporarily and learned the employee was diagnosed with cancer. They could have given him up at the end of the temp period, but no they hired him! Talk about generous.

Also I am doing more research on wordpress, etc. and decided to begin digging in the area of PHP. I know one line of code for PHP and that is minimal but at the time it was such an accomplishment to figure it out. Here goes every thing!

I am supposed to be learning about Wordpress CMS and Wordpress in general. Also I want to learn about blogger and how to customize it. But then I run across a blog and I procrastinate by reading it: www.lifeofjustin.com.

But what I really wanted to procrastinate with is a new game I found that has a social aspect which makes it all the more interesting to me. So now I have 3 ways to procrastinate.

Maybe my brain just can't take all this new information in like I thought it could. I remember it took me about 3 days to really understand separating style from content in terms of keeping css and html separate, also using php includes to make updating appearance easier. I tried learning java script, but it's too complex for me right now.. looks like wordpress has tons of it everywhere.

I hope I can learn this because there are a couple job opportunities coming up that require such knowledge and I really want to be able to understand these things not only for them, but for me.

I always need something to long for. That worries me.

I just had the most interesting phone conversation this afternoon. Cinderella herself asked me to work with her on some projects; most of which are ideas bursting from the heart. Breakfast with her next friday is certainly more than a foot in the door. So exciting to think about possibly working long term with her. Seriously inspirational stuff that I am totally in sync with.

The internet was out most of the day yesterday. I felt sad because I couldn't look for jobs or even watch something on netflix. Around 7pm finally it came back on. But I should have done something yesterday other than watch tv and play a game . . . like draw or create a web site idea I see in my head. I have all this free time, I shouldn't spend it playing around.

It's funny to me right now how this happens. There are these people in life and you run across them. And then somehow they become so attractive to me because I know nothing about them. Well, then I know some things about them, not enough of course.

And I get in these moods where I want to know someone new, really know them. Caused by a small similarity of interest or an action or a word I found likable. Such as chamomile tea... how foolish to think what someone drinks says anything about them.

Okay, seriously.. no joke, for real--kidding aside. There are computers and internet and facebook and IMs that make it so easy to stalk people. You can get to know someone without ever speaking. I always thought that "stalking" meant you wanted to kill someone...so of course I never wanted to be described that way because murder is not the issue here. I don't understand why someone would want to do that.

But that dumb nosy bit of my brain says ask them questions and then spill a bunch of crap about yourself too without them asking.

And then one day after many many many days in-between... go find that person from high school online and start finding out about them again. Have they changed or are they the same, just here on earth longer like most people? Do they remember me at all or am I just another crazed fan in their eyes?

Who really cares ever. Too funny.

I want a cupcake. I don't need a cupcake. Will you have a cupcake and coffee or tea with me?

Last night and tonight a feeling has been lurking. Lonely. But my sources of connection have gone away on trips and vacations and their lives in general are happening.

I keep thinking: If only I had a regular yet meaningful job that provided enough income to live in my little apartment and drive my little car and eat my little food and get Smeeshy's giant claws trimmed... I probably wouldn't feel useless and far away.

I thought about making a video of me talking to myself. And I would be telling myself to, "shhh," because no one wants to hear me and I talk too much for them to hold their attention. I don't want to bother people, but I have thoughts that want to be spoken so someone else's ears can hear them for a change. Alone I can't take all the analytical nature and make anything of it.

This stupid feeling. I knew it was still there. It only hides for periods of time. But once the TV shows, games, movies, friends and loved ones become used up; loneliness whispers and acts like it knows the truth when it's completely wrong.

:)

I don't have a job

But I do have a job . . . to get a job. I wanted to wake up at 7am, but awoke at 10am. Still working at getting my sleep schedule to where I can wake up at 7am or earlier and get my day started as the birds are chirping.

Today I searched and filled in many forms to now have my resume/work history/skills on two more web sites. I did apply for three jobs, I think. Too many web pages open late this morning to remember.

Since my interview (I mean interrogation) yesterday. . . I am wondering what employers are really looking for. Are they interested in personality, skills, experience, ethics, appearance, a vibe, speed, efficiency or quality? Or all of those? And if so, what exactly are they searching for within those categories? Certainly it depends on the company, the people working there, as to what kind of person they need to fill their open spots. Since the specific questioning I underwent Friday, it's only natural for me to look again at my personality and what it means in the work place.

My personality is such that I am often searching for the reason, the meaning behind what people say and do. When I know why, it motivates me to do a better job because I can focus on a cause/effect rather than an action. Do you think most employers would rather not have to explain those things? Or do they find talking about their true goals an enjoyable experience?

How many times do I have to retell who I am, what I stand for? As many times as it takes, I guess. I care about the work I do. I can't do any less than my best under the circumstances. Even if I find out that less than my best is all that's required, I will not put in lower efforts. What I do means too much to me because it is a part of me. It saddened me that one day I was appreciated when I did, what is in my opinion, awful work; because I was out of energy and was made to keep working when there was nothing left in me. AND when I make a mistake, I own up to it, no question. It pains me when I am accused of something that was not mine to be accused of.

Maybe a company will find me and understand me for who I really am and it's exactly what they were looking for. I can only dream.

post-less

why did I delete all my posts before this? I'm so annoying. Past self, please stop deleting posts, thanks! I know what you're thinking self... you're going to delete this post too aren't you. Because you're talking to yourself in a post, that just looks crazy. Well you know what?! I will eat all your chocolate stash if you do. Because I know where it is... you just try and delete this.